I went on a hike a few days ago with some friends.
It was great—and it was awful.
I’m terrified of heights, and this hike had a lot of them — there were many amazing views, wonderful vistas, and places where I could see, if you took one step wrong you’d plunge to some unclear but imagined horrible fate.
I’m not just scared when I’m up high — I’m also terrified when I see other people close to an edge.
Of the two friends I was hiking with, one of them had no evident fear of heights and the other was challenging his, meaning that when we got to the first cliff, they both went over to look over it.
I felt my body lock up, my muscles get tense. I was truly paralyzed by fear, barely able to speak or think, overwhelmed by a nameless sense of terror and a physical reaction I couldn’t control.
I focused on noticing what was happening without judging it, accepting my experience. It still felt pretty intense, but after some time, my reaction eased up a bit.
There were more cliffs throughout the hike, and I had more opportunities to push that particular ‘edge.’ Each time, there was the familiar tightening in my body, the feeling of my mind figuratively clenching up, creativity and relaxed thinking disappearing like mist in the sunlight.
I’ve had this experience of terror of heights, and of seeing other people close to them, for as long as I can remember. It bums me out because there are experiences I’d like to have that involve being up high—rock climbing, rope courses, being the hero who climbs a skyscraper in an action movie, and other totally realistic possibilities—and it feels like my fear of heights makes that impossible (of course my fear of heights is the only thing stopping me, in each of those examples)
I never defined this as a goal, or said out loud where I want to get to with this fear, but the image in my head is something like what I see other people do, who have no fear of heights—to walk right up to the edge without worry, to see other people in a high place and have no reaction of distress.
What I realized a couple hours into this hike was that over the course of leaning into this fear, I got much calmer about it. I was more comfortable going close to the edge myself, and I was less overwhelmingly horrified when other people did that—but because I hadn’t attained my unnamed goal of ‘perfect’ I almost didn’t recognize how far I’d come.
In fact, it didn’t even feel like progress, until I really thought about it—it just seemed like what I was doing wasn’t as hard. These cliffs weren’t as scary, or I wasn’t watching as much when my friends got close.
I think the same thing often happens for athletes around managing the pressure of competions.
As we get better at handling stress, we interpret situations as less stressful—and immediately move the mental goalpost for how well we are supposed to handle it. I myself often fall into the trap of wanting to respond perfectly in a situation that feels just as stressful as whatever happened before, not realizing that responding better means that the situation won’t feel as intense—and I’m chasing a will-o-the-wisp.
This is why I focus on goal-setting with all of my clients before getting into a personalized mental training plan. Getting our objectives clear means we can easily see if we’re making progress—and eliminates the frustration of constantly-moving and never-attainable goal posts.
My suggestion:
Take a moment right now and pick some area you’ve been working on—it could be handling stress, a fear of heights, or something completely different. Think about and recognize the progress you’ve made, even if it’s not perfect. If you can, make a note of where you started, and write down 2-3 signs of progress. And remember—the most important thing is that you’re working on it. Some things you can’t rush, but if you’re trying, you’re doing good work.
P.S.
If you’re working toward a goal (in your mental training or otherwise) and you always seem to move the goalposts without realizing it, schedule a consult and we can talk it over—maybe I can help.
P.P.S.
I’m now scheduling clients for the fall, if you’d like to improve your mental game this season, now’s the time to get in touch! Click here to set up a consultation.