The Fatal Thought

The Fatal Thought

Or, How to Lose a Lead at a World Cup

 

I felt good. I hadn’t had time to warm up properly after pools, but I hadn’t had time to get cold either – but I’d eaten which I knew was important for me. Despite the time difference, disrupted sleep, and a mediocre pool, I was feeling confident.

I was at the Budapest Grand Prix world cup on Friday, March 10th (which also happens to be my birthday, not that it matters to the story) going into my first DE, fencing some Estonian kid I’d never heard of.

The bout started well—I was moving a lot as I intended, staying calm, and preparing my actions the way I’d worked on with my coach. Pretty quickly I got up a few touches, 6-2 I think. I couldn’t even say what I was doing, but it was working.

And then it happened.

I noticed a teammate from my club walk up to the strip (presumably to offer support) and I had the fatal thought:

“What if I win by a lot and people are impressed, and they talk about it?”

After that, I lost focus. My opponent got three foot touches in quick succession . . . I felt like I was in a daze.

I tried to reset—as I teach people to do in moments like that—and got a bit better, but it wasn’t enough. I stopped letting him get so many foot touches, but still let too many get through. 

And all of it happened much too fast.

After stumbling my way through the rest of the bout, not quite sure how it was happening, I lost 15-13 on a double touch.

I’m okay with losing my first DE at a world cup. I wasn’t at the top of my form, and world cups are hard. But I was deeply frustrated that I let myself lose focus the way I did, and succumbed to what I know from experience is the worst thought I can have when fencing.

See, I spent a lot of my adolescence feeling constant social rejection, and came to use fencing as a way to gain acceptance—specifically, being good at fencing. That worked to a degree, but left an underlying insecurity around social acceptance. 

When I came back to fencing after a break of several years, and then moved to the most competitive environment in the country, it was to find that I’d gotten much worse, and younger fencers I used to beat easily had gotten better . . . . and I could no longer rely on the people around me being impressed by my fencing.

Even having been on the team for worlds, and won national championships (twice and three times, respectively—but who’s counting) that insecurity came back. I found my love of fencing being pushed aside by the desire to earn the respect of my teammates and feel secure in my social status in the club.

It didn’t matter how much respect I actually had, my own knowledge and skill, I still found myself stuck trying to gain a feeling of security through my results (Spoiler—that doesn’t work so good)

Unfortunately, what I’ve learned about myself as a fencer and as an athlete is that I cannot be doing it for anybody else. When I focus on what other people think of me, I lose my integrity, coming not from a place of security and strength, but from insecurity and weakness. If I try to show off in any way in my fencing . . . . Well, I lose a 6-2 lead, stop preparing my actions, and lose control of the bout.

In short, when I let my mind dwell on others’ opinions of me, I’m at my worst.

I’m glad to say I found some positives—I had some good pool bouts, was focused going into my DE, and followed the process I intended for the most part.

And, I have some thoughts on how I’m going to address that fatal thought, next time it comes up . . . . I’ll be writing about that next week, stay tuned!

P.S. Clinics coming soon near you!

I’m excited to say I’m scheduling in-person clinics for May and June—Locations include New York, NY (Fencers Club, Inc.) Rockland, NY (Rockland Fencing Center) and Virginia (Fencing Sports Academy)

Keep an eye out for more information including more clinics to be added—and let me know if you’d like to have one at your club!